Hillary of Clintons: Episode 1



TITLE CARD: February 1st, 2016

HILLARY CLINTON, alert but weary from another long day on the campaign trail, perhaps the biggest yet, enters a room tacked up with fliers, charts, phone numbers, and a hastily taped banner – “Hillary 2016.” Her top aid, TED DAMPER – greying, thinning hair, the bags under his eyes could hold floodwaters back, rises to attention at her presence.

Hillary – “Where are we with Iowa?”

Ted – “We managed to get the weighted coins out to the right delegates in time, you won 6 tosses.”

Hillary rubs her temples with one hand, the other balled up in a fist resting on her hip. “Will we survive a recount?”

Ted – “… We won’t let it come to that.”

Hillary – “Good.  Anything else?”

Ted – “There’s a meme.”

H – “A what?”

Ted – “An Internet meme going around, showing where you and Sanders stand on the ‘fun’ issues.”

H – “Fun issues? Like Foreign Policy?”

Ted – “No, like Star Wars.”

H – “Oh for fuck’s sake.”

Ted – “I know, but it’s gaining attention, all over social media.”

He shows her one on his phone:


H – “And our solution?”

Ted – “We have enough loyalist media outlets, think we can throw a blanket on it by spinning some op-eds highlighting a gender attack. It wouldn’t work in the general election, but Bernie’s camp won’t want to get near it once there’s a whiff of sexism.”

H – “Okay, you’re telling me this like there’s still a problem.”

Ted – “Well, it’s just, the sexism card- it’s a big one, we only want to play it once or twice, or we’ll appear weak over time. And so to use it when we’re only one state in, in the primaries, against Bernie Sanders, whose voting record-”

H – “Ted.”

Hillary stares him down hard. Whatever fatigue she had been feeling has been replaced by an inner fire.

H – “Let me tell you something. I’ve been in this game a long time. I’ve survived more scandals than you have hairs on your head, with a husband who hasn’t pulled his zipper up in over a quarter-century. And I’m still here, and I’m about to become the first woman president of the United States. And you know how I’ve done that?”

T – “superior policy and deal making?”

H – “By winning each battle, as they come.”

Ted nods.

H – “So win the battle.”

T – “Yes, Madam President.”

He hustles out with purpose. Hillary grabs a mini water bottle off the desk and takes a sip. A moment of peace in the midst of the maelstrom. Ted’s head pops back in the doorway.

T – “Oh, there’s one other thing”

H – “What is it?”

T – “They’ve found another issue with the emails”

Hillary’s hand reflexively crushes the water bottle, sending a geyser of liquid into the air and splashing down on the cheap commercial carpet.

H – “Thank you. I will handle it myself.”

Ted nods.

H – “Oh, and Ted?”

T – “Yes?”

H – “Get me a bagel.”

T – “Okay. Do you want it toasted?”

H – “No, I want it Bernt.”

Ted vanishes in a blink.

Hillary turns to look at us directly, addressing:

H – “To thrive on this trail, one must always be hungry, yet always eating. For now, I’ll munch on that little populist maple syrup donkey-muppet as an appetizer, and for the entrée, I’ll take the Elephant.”